Why failing is good for you

Failing at self-promotion

It is often suggested that we Brits are reserved, almost to the point of self-sabotage; why else would I have completely forgotten to mention this to you all. Look! That’s me! (Without the glasses)

Here I am featured in Psychologies magazine back in August; why didn’t I totally milk that! I barely mentioned it. It is a full page with me on it, and the article gives a rundown of my university experience, mentions my Japan dreams, and even drops a blog link. Talk about failing at self-promotion!

For someone who wants to write, teach and motivate others, my lack of ability at “putting myself out there” is quite often shameful. I really need to be a bit more aggressive in getting myself out there – in a polite way, of course. I am still British after all.

It is never too late

The piece is centred around the idea that it is never too late to try something different; that no matter what your dream is if you put the right actions into place, you can achieve it. That’s why having a plan is important; it helps you focus on what you need to be doing.

However, what my story also reminds us is that sometimes, until one receives the proverbial kick up the ass, in my case redundancy, we tend to be happy to just carry on dreaming rather than actually getting things done.

A number of events in my life have led me to realise that putting off your dreams until tomorrow is just another way of ensuring that you do not achieve them. For the majority of those reading this, you have been handed nothing in this life for free. If you, therefore, make the choice – and it is a choice- to never step out of your comfort zone, you will remain where you are forever.

Sometimes it is a question of security, and I can understand and empathise with that. There is safety in routine; maintaining the status quo is often preferable to the discomfort of the unknown.

But you are lying to the world and yourself if you continue to ‘make do’; to pretend that you are happy with the way things are when you know in your heart that you want so much more.

What do you really want to do?
What one thing?
Why haven’t you done it yet?
Money? The kids? It’s too complicated?

These are the lies we all tell ourselves to protect us from the one thing we actually fear – failing miserably and people laughing at us.

Why you need to fail

YouTube is littered with motivational advice about how to be your best self and get to the top.

“How to make billions and how to be at the peak of your game”

Every. Single. Day.

These videos plug hard work, and being true to yourself, but failure? Failure is never an option.

But what if it was? If we avoid doing challenging tasks because we fear failing, perhaps we should make it one of our options?

The problem with perfectionism

Recently, I had to endure that most trying of parental duties: Parents Evening. Even if you don’t have school-age kids of your own, you may remember the terrible system that is in play, at least at every senior school I have ever been to.

You are given time slots in which you are supposed to see each teacher. They are always late, or they overrun, or some other parent pushes in. Why are we still using this system?

I was willing to endure though. This was parents’ evening for one of the better behaved of my children, and I do take smug delight in being told how polite and well-behaved my kids are.

For those not in the loop, I have more than a few children. If a couple is two, and a few is three, four becomes more than a few, right? When you are running those odds you are going to have a few bad parent evenings, but this was one of the good ones; it was for the child that actually does their work.

The one recurring comment – aside from her being quiet (HA!) and well-behaved, was that she puts too much pressure on herself. Despite getting an A* in her exam, and the teacher declaring her one of the best students, she was still keen to point out the bits she struggled with.

Her focus was on the things she had got wrong, taking no time to celebrate getting the highest grade in her class. This comes from a place of perfectionism – and I can totally relate.

Perfectionism is not a virtue

People often laugh when I claim to have perfectionist issues.
“I have seen your house. It’s hardly perfect Poll!” I can hear people, who may have once been let in my house, say.
But that isn’t really what perfectionism means. It is a destructive, joy-sapping, thought process that often prevents you from fully succeeding in what you want to achieve.

It can manifest as a feeling that if a thing can’t be done very well, it is better to not even attempt it.

That is why my house isn’t fully decorated. I know exactly how I want it, and won’t settle for it looking less than perfect, so I would rather not bother all and wallow in my state of undecoratedness (Totally a word) imagining what it could look like.

Rather than being the virtue that many people think it to be, perfectionism is stifling. It limits your actions unless you are carrying out a task in which you know you will excel. Then you will happily go for it. But if there is a chance that what you produce will not be up to standard, then perfectionists would rather sit it out.

Perhaps that is why I have started writing three books but never finished any of them. I sabotage myself before I start. Perhaps I am too worried about the judgment of others? Maybe it is time to finally get the haiku book finished and damn the criticism. Or maybe get that book on”Bucket Lists and why you should have one” done?

What does perfectionism have to do with having a failure option?

Perfectionism comes from a place of feeling flawed and having to constantly prove yourself, even if that is only to yourself. (Psychology Today, 2013) It isn’t sustainable, as you will never be able to find joy in temporary achievements, especially if you never take the time to enjoy the results. Rather, you spend time beating yourself up over the things you felt went wrong.

Allowing yourself to fail should always be one of your options. No one is perfect, and trying to live up to unachievable standards is not only unhealthy, but it robs you of your inner peace.

In Beth Kempton’s book “Wabi Sabi”, she talks about accepting our imperfections and starting to embrace the idea that we are perfect as we are, because of our imperfections.

“Perfectly imperfect” she calls it.

We all need to give ourselves permission to fail. It is only through failure that we can grow. We learn far more through failure than we do through success. In fact, it is a vital component. Perseverance is born when you have to keep trying, or when you have to keep innovating and coming up with new plans.

Never look upon failure as falling back; it is a stepping stone towards a new direction. Thomas Edison is often quoted as saying:

We all have to accept that there are times when we will fall short of what we want. The important bit is getting back up and trying again. To do that, we have to be willing to accept all of our imperfections. That, and the fact that failing is part of the growth process.

Over to you

Are you too hard on yourself?
Do you overthink things to the point that they remain unfinished?
What one step could you take today towards being kinder to yourself?

Let me know how your ‘failures’ have resulted in new paths and ideas.