Why we need to validate
It is so important to validate others.
Something I have become more conscious of as I develop as a writer, public speaker, and through my previous study, is the way people use certain words in certain situations. The words we choose to use can be so important when it comes to validating other peoples experiences.
In the true spirit of ‘Baader-Meinhof’, once you are aware of it, you will see it everywhere. Particularly in your own conversations and the way some of your friends and workmates speak to you.
Do you ever feel undermined, and your feelings ignored when you are trying to explain things to certain people from the way that they interact with you? Maybe the person you are talking to is carrying out a form of ‘invalidation’ towards you, whether consciously or not.
It’s a topic that has come up quite often on Social media, and as I have been researching the subject, I wanted to offer you all some tips. These are some phrases that people might use, and ways that you can avoid being ‘that guy’.
You may have other examples, and we would really appreciate hearing about your experience in the comments below.
What is Validation?
Validation is the act of acknowledging someone’s feelings – even if you don’t necessarily agree or understand them. It seems like such an easy concept, yet while I have been researching for this piece I have discovered how easy it is to say things to someone that would demonstrate a complete lack of empathy.
Sometimes this is done subconsciously, or in a misguided effort to help, but it has resonated so much, particularly when I think back on conversations I have had with some people over the years, that I thought it would be worth sharing with you.
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How do you validate someone?
Every one of us experiences things differently; even if we have gone through similar events, we will all have a different take on the event. Sometimes all we want is someone to acknowledge our feelings, even if they don’t agree with us.
It should be pointed out that someone merely disagreeing with you, is not always invalidating; people are allowed to have different opinions! How you voice that opinion, however, can make all the difference.
Invalidation is the denial of someone’s thoughts and feelings, it can be subtle and insidious, but it can also be entirely subconscious and unintended. While some are using it in a misguided attempt to help, others may use it as a form of manipulation. You may recognise one of the two examples below from conversations you have had with people.
The ‘at least…’ retort.
Many of you will have heard this one, and I know I am guilty of saying similar things myself. Do any of these examples resonate?
Me: I am so tired, I didn’t stop at work today…
Them: At least you’ve got a job, some people are really struggling and have no money…
Me: I was at a restaurant yesterday, and, I’m not kidding, it took about an hour before I was served.
Them: Get you! At least you can go to restaurants, I haven’t been out for ages.
Then there is the ‘trying to help’ version…
Me: I’m gutted… My cat had to be put down
Them: At least he isn’t suffering anymore.
I remember being on the receiving end of some particularly ill-judged ‘at least-ism’ when we lost our baby. It ranged from, ‘at least you already have one’ to ‘at least you are young enough to have another one’. None of this was meant in a malicious way, and yet I spiralled into a depression, during which I felt my experience was invalid, and that, as ‘others had it worse than me’, I should just stop moaning about it.
What to say instead:
Acknowledge what has been said. You don’t have to understand, or have experience of what they are going through; you just need to say that you are there for them.
If your friend is talking about a terrible day at work a simple ‘That sucks mate, what happened?’ may be enough for them to feel like they are being listened to. You don’t need to offer advice unless asked for. Just let them vent.
When it happens too often:
It can be hard sometimes when we have a friend who constantly moans about work, or their health, or a terrible partner, or troublesome children. In these cases, it might be healthy to get them to consider making changes. If they do nothing but talk about how much they hate their job, a gentle ‘that place seems to make you unhappy, have you considered looking elsewhere at all?’
Sometimes, try as we might, we have friends, or family members who seem to revel in bemoaning their lot, and constantly validating them can be tiring. This should not be a one-way street. (Note to self – I must do a piece on toxic relationships at some point). There must always be an element of ‘give and take’, but you are only responsible for yourself: your reactions and your responses.
A wish to not invalidate someone should not become the enabling of poor behaviours.
The ‘you shouldn’t feel like that…’ retort.
We’ve all heard this, often from the people who love us most. You’ve been upset by something someone has said to you, and you have told your Mum.
“Don’t be silly, just ignore them”
What you have basically been told is that what you are feeling is invalid and that what you feel is wrong. The impact of these statements can be quite insidious.
If we are told to ‘get over it’, or to ‘stop taking it so seriously’ what is really happening is the person is completely disregarding how we feel. Even if they think they are helping, by trying to get you to stop thinking about the thing that is upsetting you.
What to say instead:
No one can tell you how to feel, or even suggest that what you feel is wrong. If they are genuinely worried about how you are reacting to a situation they can comment on your actions, but not on your emotions.
It would be good to reflect the person’s emotions back to them. If you acknowledge their feelings, they will know that someone is taking them seriously.
By saying “that must have really upset you” or “I can see why you’d be annoyed by that” you are accepting how they feel, without necessarily endorsing the actions.
Validation is not an agreement
We often come across people and ideas we disagree with. Perhaps your friend’s plan to run off with a pool-boy 20 years younger than her that she met on holiday is not one of her better ideas. Will the fact that you have told her she is being ridiculous and should act her age stop her? Or will it stop her from confiding in you later when she needs someone to talk to?
Validation is about allowing someone to express their feelings and emotions while you listen. If they want your input, they will ask. I know it can be hard to bite your tongue when you are being told things that seem to you like madness, but it is not your place to deny their emotional state. Particularly if it is a friend or an adult, whom you don’t hold any personal responsibility for.
When those people are your children or your partner it can be harder to be objective. But we have to allow others to make decisions for themselves, whether we deem them right or not. Some of us have a tendency to take on problems and issues that really are not ours to worry about. Often we need to trust the other person to make their own choices. Part of that is letting them know that their opinions are valid ones to hold.
Over to you
You can probably think of a number of examples where you have been on both sides of these conversations? How did you handle it? What would you do differently now?
Let us know in the comments.