Limiting beliefs
What limiting beliefs do you have about yourself that are holding you back? Do you find yourself doing things that you don’t really want to do just to avoid conflict? Do you tend to put your needs second to those of others? You may even be suffering from a bout of people-pleasing.
I have always been more of an ‘ideas and encouragement’ kind of girl rather than a ‘hustle and grind’ sort; a cheerleader rather than a footballer, if you will. If I’m given the option I will always keep my head down rather than be a ‘go out and elbow the competition, winner takes it all’ kind of person. I put this down to being conflict-averse.
But is there more to it than that?
In a fit of wanton decadence, I invested in workshops and one-to-ones with a life coach. One of the issues that were picked up in my initial ‘breakthrough’ meeting is that I am too invested in what others think of me. This is technically true, but I was disappointed that my read-through of ‘The Courage to Be Disliked’ had seemingly had so little impact!
It turns out that I do let others influence my goals – albeit subconsciously. This, in turn, has seen me develop a number of limiting beliefs about myself.
Posts you may enjoy
Changing your mind – Why a U-turn is always an option
Motivating yourself – 5 tips on how to get started
Developing your ‘optimism’ muscles
One way in which you can help yourself make better choices, which will, in turn, strengthen your resolve when it comes to dealing with others, is to develop optimism.
A proven technique for helping with this is to use the ABCDE model.
The original method just included the ‘ABC’ part and was developed by American psychologist and psychotherapist Albert Ellis. This technique formed part of his work on Rational-Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REB), a precursor to Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT).
‘DE’ was later added by fellow American psychologist Martin Seligman, as well as other experts in the field.
The ABCDE Model uses a process of first recognising the pessimistic thoughts and beliefs we have about ourselves. It then encourages us to dispute and dismiss them.
You do this by working through the ABCDE model. First, consider the thought or belief that is holding you back. Perhaps you are scared of failing, that others will judge you (this is what people-pleasing is based on) or that you are too old to be trying something new.
This method will work through this thinking with you and start you on a new, more optimistic path.
Starting with A.
A is for adversity
Adversity may seem a little overdramatic when it comes to a belief about yourself. If this puts you off you can look at it as an ‘Activator’, ‘Awareness’ or maybe an ‘ About when…’
As in: “about when do these thoughts occur to you?”
It may be when you need to do something challenging, or when you receive comments from family and friends.
The first thing you need to do, to start choosing optimism in your life, is to acknowledge (another ‘A” word!) the negativity you feel towards yourself. Acknowledge that thinking this way about yourself does not benefit you in any way and see if you can detect when this thinking happens, where you are, or who you are with.
B is for beliefs
Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right. (I’m not attributing this quote – it has been a minefield looking into where it came from!)
B is for Beliefs; What are your beliefs around yourself, particularly when you are thinking negatively towards yourself?
Maybe your negative thought is “I will fail” – and it occurs when you need to challenge yourself. Therefore the belief you have of yourself could be “Why try? I’ll only fail”.
Make a note of these thoughts and beliefs as they happen – in a notebook if necessary. Sometimes it can be hard to get to the core of what we are thinking as it is difficult to objectively question what we are thinking, while we think it, But it is important to reflect and to be self-aware enough to notice how we are seeing these beliefs.
How often do you catch yourself saying ” I’m rubbish at that” or replying that you are not happy with something, despite having just been complimented on it?
Taking note of the language you use will help you evaluate whether you are using positive or negative words when thinking about yourself.
C is for consequences
What are the consequences of you believing what you do about yourself? Is it benefiting you and helping you achieve what you need to meet your goals?
Is the consequence, perhaps, that you are not allowing yourself to take up opportunities? Sometimes we can talk ourselves out of things as our brains are subconsciously protecting us from potential harm or embarrassment. It’s why we sometimes second guess ourselves when we are about to jump into a new task.
Sometimes the fallout of not carrying out a challenge holds a worse consequence than not following through with it in the first place. What is the worse that would happen if you go through with the task?
Maybe you are considering a dance class, but your belief is that you are too unhealthy for it. So you decide not to, as you may end up looking foolish.
The consequences are that you don’t dance, and you then either feel regret at missing out, or guilty that you are depriving yourself of opportunities to do something you may potentially really enjoy.
There may be some added guilt about not using this chance to exercise and you’ll then use it as additional ammo against yourself. “This is why you are unhealthy, you’re too lazy to even go to a dance class” – creating a downward spiral of incorrect beliefs about yourself.
This is when you need to stop and consider why you are doing, what you are doing. Why are you making these choices? What are you feeling in this moment?
D is for disputation
Or possibly ‘debate’
The next part of the model is where you activate free will or choice; you start to look for the pessimistic patterns in your thinking and then dispute them. This is where the change in your thinking begins; where your limiting beliefs will be countered.
Helpful questions at this stage might be :
Are your beliefs about yourself helping you?
What if you believed differently?
What outcomes might flow from change?
This is about finally replacing your unhelpful beliefs with a framework that will be more beneficial to you.
You might hear yourself say something pessimistic and you should respond to it by saying, “Based on what? What facts do I have to support this belief?” and then you can look for alternative explanations because almost nothing that happens to you in life has just one cause. Most events have a range of possible causes.
E is for Effects
Observe the outcomes and effects that arise when you start to actively assess and question some of the faulty thinking around your beliefs.
Once you can pinpoint how these relate to situations you then have an opportunity to forge alternatives, based in a more sensible and less emotion driven line of thinking.
You get to chose what you believe about yourself. Let it come from a foundation of reason and truth, and take action accordingly.
Over to you
I’m hoping to do a few more posts on self-improvement and mental health, but I am well aware that I am neither qualified or fully knowledgeable on the subject.
Please carry out thorough research on any techniques you want to incorporate into your life, and be sure that they are going to benefit you rather than hinder you.
Great post! You are indeed very polite… although what most people probably don’t know is how witheringly and hilariously you can put people down in private when they really wind you up 😂
My secret is out! An obnoxiously polite person can only hold it for so long! 😁
The sign of a true friend is that polite people are willing to be rude in front of you!
I completely understand this. I’m usually in the neutral ground and I hate conflict. I would rather say nothing at all than say the wrong thing.
This is so relatable, and impressive to have written so quickly! Keep it up xx